even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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