i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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