Im at strip club and am horny
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
