Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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