eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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