It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We have started to decorate penises.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
