My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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