Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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