when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
