My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
