you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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