I just pynch a tree in the face
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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