If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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