Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
