somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
