im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
