My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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