Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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