You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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