his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
