Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
