I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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