Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
