broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
