How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
God, I missed his penis.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
