There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
