Got a toothbrush?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
