ya dads aren't the best wingmen
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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