she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
