I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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