Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
