i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
