i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
