I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
