alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
