If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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