I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
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