So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
