I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
