I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
