I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
