she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
