My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm too high and old for this...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
