Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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