yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
