I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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