my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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