So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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