ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
