so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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