Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
