I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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