i think my tv is drunk
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
