Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
